Stages

Shock and Denial

Although my tears flowed like a river, I couldn’t believe you were really gone. Adrenaline kept me going in the day, but I tossed and turned at night staring at your side of the bed. I couldn’t visualize what you were going through, I couldn’t even imagine where you were, what you were doing, what you were feeling. Exhausted, hungry, sick, anxious, worried, I tried to keep my chin up. God provided me rest.

Pain and Guilt

If only I had made you feel more pride in yourself. If only I loved you more. If only I would have told you how much I needed you. I never knew my heart could hurt so much, or that I could feel so alone surrounded by everyone but you. I am scared. I am stressed. I am overwhelmed. God took my burden and held me in His hands.

Anger and Bargaining

Why did they make it seem like it wouldn’t be this hard? Why now? Why us? God calmed my heart by showing me a glimpse of His plan.

Reflection, Loneliness

I could be in a crowd of a million, but that wouldn’t make a difference. I want to hide away, and I want to be in the multitude at the same time. I never knew how much you did for me, until you weren’t here to do it at all. I never knew how much I adored you being near, until you were far away. I never knew how much I loved you, until I wasn’t able to tell you in person. God filled my heart with His love.

The Upward Turn

Adjusting to single parenting life. Adjusting to going to bed early on the weekends, cuddling with a pillow and having enlightening conversations with a two-year old. God showed me the angels amongst us.

Reconstruction and Working Through

Patience has consumed me. You used to say I was scared of life, and now you call me fearless. God has made me strong.

Acceptance and Hope

Adventure. Uncertainty. Changes. I embrace them. I yearn for them. I am eager for them. Every day without you is only one day closer to being with you. God has given me endurance, hope, perseverance and good character. God gave me you.